LOCKER @ ANGELES NATIONAL

I've posted bits and pieces of this story on facebook but I've never really explained the whole thing in detail.

My golf club, Angeles National, has an odd locker room.  There are two kinds of members at the course, regular members, and 'IMI' members.  The 'I' in 'IMI' stands for International.  (EDIT: Wasn't easy but after much digging I've finally determined that 'IMI' stands for 'International Membership, Inc.')  I'm not sure how or why exactly, but I became an IMI member.  There are significantly fewer IMI members, and we get perks that regular members don't, such as charging privileges throughout the course, 15% discount on food & booze, and use of a locker room.  (There is no locker room for regular members.)  There's also 10-15 reciprocal golf courses I can play at in Japan, hence the 'International.'  I am the only non-Japanese IMI member that I've met, though there may be others.

The locker room is really nice, it's top-notch VIP all the way around.  They've got a huge TV, comfortable chairs, private showers with private changing rooms, and all the suncreen, lotion, aspirin, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc, that you could want.  There's a secret code on a secret door to access it.  The problem is, they won't give you an overnight locker, you have to get a day key when you arrive and turn the key in when you leave.  Except, they have given out 4-5 honorary permanent lockers to celebrities and PGA pros that play there.  Obviously, I want a locker.

When I inquired about how I would go about getting a locker, they told me it was impossible.  Though after repeated inquiries they did budge a bit and tell me that when they first built the locker room a lot of members had asked for lockers so the board arbitrarily set the price for a locker at $50K.  So far no one has taken them up on this.

I decided I would just put up my own nameplate and see how long it lasts.  Everyone at the course knows me well, but there is a bit of a separation between the regular management and the IMI management, so I figured if I put up my own nameplate, each side would assume the other side had given me a locker.  Eventually, after a few months, I would just waltz into the pro shop and tell them I lost the key to my locker and could I get a replacement key, please.  I took a picture of the nameplates and sent it to a plaque maker and he made me a similar-enough plate.  I put it in between Sam Jackson and Don Cheadle, see below:

The nameplate lasted a few months.  I thought my plan was going to work until I got an email saying they all had a good laugh over it but had to take the nameplate down.  Apparently, some idiot who also wanted a locker went to management and said, hey who's this Koskenmaki guy and how'd he get a locker??  I think otherwise it would have stayed up indefinitely.

Plan B.  While talking to the manager shortly after this, she told me, somewhat jokingly, that if I got a role in 'Iron Man 3' she would give me a locker.  The reason is, Sam Jackson and Don Cheadle were both in 'Iron Man 2' and there is a giant movie poster hanging in the hallway, presumably a donation from them, that is signed by the entire cast.

So I downloaded a poster from 'Iron Man 2' and I got my friend Bob, a photoshop whiz, to put me in the poster, front and center.  We changed the 2 to a 3 and put my name in the credits, see below:

I got the poster printed and framed, I autographed it, and I brought it to Angeles National and hung it next to the other poster in the hallway:

This one stayed up for about a week.  I finally got the email that, again, they all had a good laugh but they had to take the poster down.  This time the manager told me that she had discussed with the board, and they had lowered the price of a locker from $50K to $2,500.  I was slightly honored but mostly insulted by this.  I told her I was unwilling to pay $2,500 for what was nothing more than a couple of cubic feet of airspace and a $10 name plate, and I offered instead to donate $2,500 to any charity of their choice in exchange for a locker.

She told me that, again, the board discussed it, and they had rejected my offer.  So that is where I am at the moment.  Lockerless, not happy about it.  Plan C is forthcoming.

11-21-11 LISTS, PART 1

I love to make lists.  I don't know why, I used to blame my mother but now I blame the fact that if I don't write it down I don't remember it.  Regardless, I just like to make lists, and I tend to make a lot of random lists.  I have a lot of random and useless lists on my computer.

I came across a list I made of all of the movies that have had a profound influence on me during my lifetime. Yes, I said 'profound', as in each one completely changed the way I look at movies in some aspect.  This is not a list of my favorite movies, though many of them are. A lot of my favorite movies ('Star Wars', 'Cinema Paradiso', 'Get Shorty') are not on this list.   Also, I'm only including movies I watched at the time they were released, which leaves off my #1 & #2 all-time favorite ('Godfather 1 & 2') as well as a few other influences ('The Sting', 'Apolcalypse Now').  Why am I being so stingy with my list? I have no idea, it's just the criteria I decided on at the time that I made the list.

There are some really mundane movies on this list... not all of them can be cinematic masterpieces. A few of them are only on this list for the music, which obviously has a huge influence on my life.  Anyway, with no further explantation or justification, here it is, in chronological order:

'92 Strictly Ballroom

'92 Glengarry Glen Ross
'94 Shawshank Redemption
'94 Pulp Fiction

'95 The Usual Suspects

'97 Lost Highway

'97 Face Off

'98 The Big Lebowski

'99 Any Given Sunday

'99 The Matrix

'00 Snatch

'01 Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

'03 Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

'03 Italian Job

'04 I Heart Huckabees

'04 Napoleon Dynamite

11-18-11 EMAILS, PART 1

I find a lot of random emails on my computer.  The following is an exchange that happened over a week prior to a golfing trip we took to a resort near Palm Springs.  My friend 'Mack' and I had reserved large adjacent suites with private pools at the resort (there were 16 of us on the trip).

---

Mr. Koskenmaki,

In anticipation of your upcoming arrival, I wanted to wish you safe travels on your journey out to our beautiful desert oasis. If there is anything I may assist you with in regards to your transportation, accommodation, or resort activities, please feel free to contact me with any requests or modifications. In addition, if you happen to predict an arrival time before 4pm or perhaps another guest you would like to be near, it would be very helpful for me to accommodate this kind of information ahead of time in order to make your stay more comfortable.

We look forward to welcoming you to the land of sweet-smelling citrus trees and clear blue skies.

Warm Regards,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

Is it possible for you to obtain a poker table for our suite?  Also, will my suite be located next to Mr. McDougall's suite?  Thanks!

Mr. Koskenmaki

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Hello Alyssa,

Can you put a ping pong table in the courtyard of my suite or Mr. Koskenmaki's?  Is that possible?  We look forward to seeing you soon.  Thank you so much.

Mr. McDougall

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Good morning,

I have attached Mr. McDougall to this email (he requested a ping pong table).  Ok so they have one poker table and it's a Dallas Cowboys decorated table they said that would work for you.  IF that's ok with you.  And the price would be $250 and that includes the delivery fee.  Then they have a ping pong table for $275.

Let me know if these interest either of you and I will have it set up for you.

Thank you,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

The Dallas Cowboys poker table sounds absolutely perfect.... if we were a bunch of illiterate rednecks from Texas.  As it is, I'm not sure that's going to work for us.  Can you tell them I'll pay extra if they can obtain a different table or perhaps remove or cover up any Dallas Cowboys logos?  I feel certain that on a table like that I would suffer some improbably suckout which would haunt me for the rest of my life.  Bad mojo.

Thanks!

Mr. Koskenmaki

P.S. I'll let Mr. McDougall decide about the ping pong table.  Personally it's a little too fast-paced for me.  My cat-like reflexes are more akin to a semi-senile dog that likes to sit on the couch and drink beer.

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Good morning,

I completely and totally do not blame you for not taking the Dallas Cowboy poker table.  That is completely understandable.  I called back and asked if they could possibly cover up the logos but no luck.  If you'd like to call and speak to them yourself, the number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and they rent out a lot of different games.  I'm kind of surprised they don't have another one for next weekend.  But I apologize for the inconvenience and I await Mr. McDougall's response!

Thank you,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa!

I would have to agree with Mr. Koskenmaki about the poker table, the Cowboys would make everyone sad and that sadness might turn into outright weeping.  A Red Sox table might be ok, but they have to make the playoffs first and that is not looking very good right now.  Thank you very much for your help in obtaining the tables.  I think we should move forward with the ping pong table as I am lightning quick and a blur to the average spectator.  A plain poker table would be ideal, if possible.  And, as long as they are loading up a truck... do they have a pool table?  I know that's kind of heavy and may be a highter rental. But, you may know of an easy way to load it in...?  I may be able to help as I can lift more than most men.  I once lifted a Toyota Celica three feet off the ground in order to retrieve a frisbee.

It would also be great to have ping pong paddles and balls (even though I have my own).  I travel with a myrtlewood paddle and teflon grip that was hand-embossed and given to me by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Thank you very much for your help, we are looking forward to a great time with you in the desert.

Mr. McDougall

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Alyssa,

Mr. McDougall raises perfectly good points.  However, if I were you I might call into question his ability to life a Celica more than 8 inches off the ground.

But seriously, I'm happy to forego the ping pong table if they can just ensure that our pool is a perfect 90 degrees.  Also, could we get a waterslide into the pool?  Thanks, and looking forward to it!

Mr. Koskenmaki

---

Ha ha, you two are hilarious!  So I called the company back and reserved the ping pong table for Mr. McDougall and they need a 50% deposit so I need a credit card number and information.  (It also includes the paddles and balls, probably nothing like Mr. McDougall's but they should work.)

A waterslide into the pool is unfortunately not something I can set up due to security reasons, but I totally understand your request for that, sounds like fun!

The pool table, they wanted me to let you know, is "bar-style" and is coin-operated but they can place it on free play for you.  The price would be $475.

Talk to you soon!

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

Wow, I think we might prefer the pool table.  I will let Mr. Koskenmaki weigh in as he is our resident expert in table games.  We also noticed from satellite imagery that our suites are separated with a wall.  Is it possible to put two trampolines next to the wall for us to boing boing between rooms?  Or is there a gate?  Boinging is preferred.

Thank you for your help!

Mr. McDougall

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Hi Alyssa,

Let's go with the pool table and the trampolines, then, instead of the ping pong table.  Provided that neither the pool table nor the trampolines have any Dallas Cowboys logos or mojo about them.  I will email you my credit card number separately.  Please guard it with your life.  My fear is that Mr. McDougall will get a hold of it and the next thing we know our suites will be full of circus-related animals and other riff raff.

Mr. Koskenmaki

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Epilogue: there were several other emails after this but unfortunately I can't find them anywhere.  We met Alyssa and she turned out to be very nice and also cute in a not-very-tall sort of way.  We sent her flowers.

11-15-11 BEST BUY FAIL

At the urging of a pest of an uncle, who is also the only one reading this, I've decided to bring back my blog for an occasional posting. But since I've run out of anything funny to post, I've decided instead to post long and uninteresting stories from my computer files. I'll also probably only post once a week, less if you're lucky.

I found this record of an experience I had with the Burbank Best Buy. I thought it would be good to start with something especially dull to discourage any more readers.

TUESDAY 05/08/07 2:00PM :: I head to Best Buy to buy a new car stereo.  I find a very nice Sony for $200 that they will install, no charge, only takes an hour.  I ask the guy, “this will work with my factory speakers and sub?”  He says “yes, of course."

I make an appointment for 2:00 the next day, except it turns out they don’t actually have the parts they need to install it .  They tell me to go over to Al & Ed’s Autosound to buy the parts and bring them with me the next day.  I go to Al & Ed’s Autosound and pick up the parts for $40.  I guess that's why they call the installation "no charge", because you have to go buy the parts somewhere else.

TOTAL TIME: 1 HOUR / TOTAL COST: $240

WEDNESDAY 05/09/07 2:00PM ::  I show up at the rear of Best Buy with my stereo, car, and parts.  Unfortunately, no one is there and the door is locked.

A note about the layout: the auto garage is in the back rear corner of the store.  It is enclosed by windows so that from inside the store you can see the mechanics and wave at them, but the door that connects the garage to the interior of the store is kept locked at all times and none of the employees or mechanics have keys to it.  If the store employees need to talk to the mechanics—or vice versa—they have to call each other on the phone.  They can stand a foot apart, separated by glass, talking on the phone.  Allegedly there is a manager somewhere in the store that has keys to that door.

I leave my car at the back of the store and walk around to the front of the store so I can walk back to the back of the store (this is a long long walk).  I find an employee and we wait for the mechanic and then we all stand around and wait for the alleged manager to let us through the door.  I leave the mechanic my keys and my number and go kill an hour.

Surprisingly, my car is ready at 3:30, an hour after I dropped off the keys.

The first thing I notice is that the stereo is installed crooked, at an angle.  Seems an odd way to install a stereo.  My old factory stereo was a two-space unit and the new stereo is a one-space unit, hence the dash adapter kit that I picked up at Al & Ed’s.  Not only did they install it at an angle but they’ve broken the dash adapter.  I find a couple of pieces broken off on the floor, and it is only secured at two corners, leaving the other two corners unsecured and wobbly.  It looks terrible.

The next thing I notice is that there is no bass, and I mean none.  I have very small speakers in my jeep and without the sub they are worthless.  It’s not like they just don’t have a good rumble, it’s that the entire bottom half of the audio is missing—the subwoofer is not connected at all.

I have a meeting to go to so I have to leave it as is, for now.

TOTAL TIME: 3 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $240

THURSDAY 05/10/07 10:00AM :: I’m there when the store opens at 10am.  I figure what the hell I can fix the dash adapter myself I just want to get the sub working.  I ask them how they can call this stereo installed when there is no bass?  They say come back tomorrow at 10am and they’ll fix it for me.  I make another appointment, yay.

I go home and pull the stereo out.  Now I can clearly see where they broke the dash adapter and didn’t bother to tell me about it.  I can also see that the subwoofer output of the stereo is not connected to anything.  I'm pretty sure my factory sub is not going to work with this stereo.

TOTAL TIME: 4 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $240

FRIDAY 05/11/07 10:00AM :: I’m at the back of the store with my jeep at 10am for my appointment, again there is no one there and again the door is locked.  Again I walk around to the front of the store so I can walk back to the back of the store (again, this is a loooong walk).  My wife arrives to pick me up at the back of the store.  I can see her through the windows but I am on the wrong side of the locked door that the alleged manager can allegedly unlock.

The mechanics tell me I will need to replace the sub, which I already figured out, and they refer me to the salesman.  The salesman somehow gets the idea that because I was the first person in the store this morning I must have all day to wait around and twice says to me “hold on let me just take care of this person first.”  I am left standing for a total of 30 minutes, I timed it.  My wife is still waiting for me outside.

Finally I am allowed to buy a very nice sub for $300.  The salesman throws in some installation wire he claims I need for $65 and charges me $70 to install it.  I point out that he claimed my new stereo would work with my old sub but he doesn’t remember that.

Now I have my sub, my stereo, the apparently necessary wire, and all I need to do is drop it all off with the mechanics and give them my keys.  On the other side of the locked door.  The salesman pages the alleged manager three times, and twice disappears himself for a while.  I’m hoping he is trying to track down the manager.  I wait by the door for a total of 25 minutes, I timed it.  My wife has gone to Lowe’s to look at flowers.

TOTAL TIME: 5.75 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $675

FRIDAY 05/11/07 3:00PM :: My car is ready.  Naively I go to the back of the store for the third time but this time it’s open.  They give me my keys, point me towards my car, and we say goodbye.  They don’t mention the fact that my car is dead.

I come back in and tell them my car is dead.  They say, oh yeah we had to jump it a couple times, it kept dying.  I said well what did you do to it?  At that point they decided to tell me that when I dropped my car off at 10am that morning it was dead.  It is a crazy coincidence that my jeep, which has less than 20K miles on it, which has never had the slightest problem starting, which started just fine that morning, decided to die exactly when I pulled up to the Best Buy garage.

Some yelling ensues, bottom line is I pop the clutch and make it over to a local gas station.  The mechanic takes a look, tells me my battery is dead, sells me a new battery for $85 and charges me $10 to install it.  As soon as he puts the new battery in the car is just fine.

Back to the installation.  The stereo is still crooked and unstable but I’m not too concerned because I figured if I had given them a new dash adapter they would have broken it again.  What I can’t figure out is for what possible reason they would install a $300 sub in the back of a jeep.  When they told me they were replacing the sub, I assumed that they were actually replacing the sub, which sits between the front seats under the console.  They didn't replace the sub, they added a sub, which is what I would call it when you throw a sub in the back of a jeep without actually attaching it to anything and without bothering to take out the factory sub.  I don't know what you'd call it, but certainly not installation.

A note about my jeep: it has no roof.  It’s not that the roof is folded down or put away, it’s that there is actually no roof.  So to "install" a $300 sub in the back of a jeep where A) someone could easily just pick it up and walk away with it (it’s not secured to anything) and B) any rain would ruin it, shows a definite lack of common sense.  At the very least I would have expected a phone call to discuss possible mounting options.

I hate letting Best Buy off the hook, but by coincidence I had ordered a lockable cargo trunk for my jeep a while back and when I got back to my house Fed Ex had just dropped it off on my front porch.  I installed the cargo trunk and put the sub inside.  It makes the sub a bit boomy, but I am at least satisfied that the sub is safe and waterproof.  Not sure what else to do with it.

TOTAL TIME: 7+ HOURS / TOTAL COST: $770

SATURDAY 05/12/07 2:00PM :: I go back to Al & Ed’s Autosound and buy a new dash adapter for $20.  I come home and reinstall my stereo level and secure in about 30 minutes.

TOTAL TIME: 8 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $790

Epilogue: I ended up selling that jeep about a year later.  I rode my motorcycle for about 6 months and then ended up buying a brand new jeep, which is identical to my old jeep, except it has four doors instead of two and a kick-ass stereo system.