12-23-11 EMAILS, PART 3

Another random email found on my computer.

The Whammer is our annual golf tournament, which features a really big golf club, The Whammer (see photo above).  I went down and got fitted at the Taylormade headquarters near San Diego (The Kingdom) and I thought maybe they would sponsor me but they politely declined.

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Dear Jamie,

The Kingdom was an amazing experience, thanks again.  Can't wait to play with my new clubs

Speaking of golf clubs, now that I'm all decked out in Taylormade gear, I thought I'd present Taylormade with the opportunity to sponsor me in The Whammer IV Invitational Tournament.  This is a very exclusive tournament that tests not only your mettle on the golf course but also your ability to hold your own at pool, poker, drinking, gambling, etc.  It is a modern day Renaissance Man golf tournament.  It is literally the Iron Man of the golf world.  The winner each year takes home The Whammer for that year, which, as you'd probably guess, is a really big golf club.

This year The Whammer is heading to La Quinta to play TPC Stadium, among others.  TPC Stadium, as you know, is a very high-profile course in the golf community, and I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for Taylormade to sponsor the potential winner of this prestigious event.  It's possible with this event that you could start to get the Taylormade brand known to golfers all around the country, possibly even the world.  I can't guarantee this event will be televised, but I do expect a good amount of cameras, spectators, and general buzz in and around the event.

My handicap is currently 14.9, but it is going down and could easily be in the 14.8 range by the start of the tournament.  Even so, I certainly will be in contention to win this tournament with my drinking prowess alone.  In fact, I'm currently in the lead on top of the leaderboard and the tournament hasn't even officially begun!

Thanks for you time,

Matt Koskenmaki

12-17-11 LISTS, PART 2

Running out of things to post on dumb blog.

A while back I decided to make a list of occupations, in the order I'd like to work in said occupation, given three criteria: 1) all jobs pay the exact same, say $75K/year; 2) all jobs are the exact same number of hours per week, say 40 hours/week; and 3) all jobs require the same amount of education, say 2-3 years of college.  So basically the question is, what job would you like to do for the rest of your life if you remove any external influences such as how much a job pays or how many hours you'd have to work or how long you'd have to study.  For example, I think a lot of us would love to be a teacher if it paid better; a farmer sounds like a pretty fun job if the pay was guaranteed and the hours were reasonable; and I know a lot of animal-lovers that likely would have been a vet if it didn't require 8+ years of education (I am not one of those).  In my hypothetical, being a doctor or a janitor pays the same.

I guess I was thinking about this because my personal idea of hell would be to be an accountant or an insurance agent-- working a desk job doing the same monotony every day for years and years... paperwork, spreadsheets, meetings, telephone calls, ugh.  But it turns out that after being a composer, there's a huge drop before I find any other occupation I'd like to do.  Yes, golfer is a close second, maybe even first on my list... followed by professional poker player and basketball superstar.  But I'm not including those, they don't really fall into the 'hourly' pay rate.  I mean if you're getting paid by the hour to golf it kind of defeats the purpose of golf.

I guess the way you read this list is to say, given a choice, I'd rather be an undertaker than a politician.  That says a lot about what I think about politics.  And yes, I'd rather be either of those than a lawyer.

After I made the list I broke them into categories because I realized there was a huge gap between certain occupations and my list naturally fell into groupings.

THE TOP PICKS:

composer/musician
chef
vintner/brewmaster
construction worker
carpenter
soldier/marine

STILL HAPPY:

farmer
fireman
writer
mechanic
teacher
scientist
architect
psychologist

COULD BE WORSE:

producer
pilot
gardener
police officer
janitor

GETTING TO THE ROUGH STUFF:

bartender
porn star/prostitute
taxi driver
mail carrier
waiter

PLEASE HELP ME:

veterinarian -- slightly better than a doctor because of cute pets
dentist -- ugh
doctor -- too gross, also couldn't deal with delivering bad news
undertaker
politician
receptionist
truck driver
actor

I'D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF:

flight attendant -- dealing with grumpy people all day, I wouldn't last an hour
priest
lawyer
accountant -- hell
insurance agent -- worse than hell

12-10-11 AT&T FAIL

The following is neither funny nor intended to be funny.  It's just an account of an experience I had with AT&T, edited down considerably.  My original notes were 14+ pages, I edited them down to something hopefully less than 14 pages.

PART 1: MOVING

MONDAY JULY 14TH

I call up AT&T to transfer my phone line from my old house to my new house and to order DSL.

Me: I'd like to order DSL.
AT&T: OK, you need to order U-Verse.  With U-Verse you get TV, phone, and DSL all together.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: No problem.  You can just get phone and DSL and order TV later.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: OK, you can just get phone and DSL, and you can always order TV later.
Me: Whatever, fine.

TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.

I schedule an AT&T technician to be at my house Thursday between 8am and 10am.

I call my old number, XXX-XXX-4001, only to hear the message that the number is disconnected (which is correct) and the new number is XXX-XXX-9811 (which is not correct, no idea where they came up with this number).  My new number is XXX-XXX-9775.  I'm hopeful that the technician can fix this on Thursday.

THURSDAY JULY 17TH

I'm at the new house at 7:30am waiting for the technician.  I'm busy in the garage until 10am with the doors wide open, but no one shows up in my driveway.  Because I'm in the garage I didn't notice that AT&T called at 8:30am, but when I try to check my voicemail my PIN number doesn't work so I can't hear the messages.

I give him until 11:30am then I call AT&T to see where he is, and hopefully to get them to change the number on the disconnect message, and to figure out how to check my voicemail.  Unfortunately, those three things have to be done by three different departments.  I get transferred around for a full hour, trying to work on all three issues, and finally someone retrieves my voicemails for me.

There's a voicemail from an AT&T technician, it says "Hi this is the technician from AT&T.  I'm going to try your other line."  Caller ID confirms he tried the other line but he left no message there.  So I have no information, and no way to contact him.

Finally, at 1:00pm, I get through to a lady from the dispatch office who claims that the technician sat in my driveway for 30 minutes and finally left.  Except that he didn't... I was there, and he wasn't.  She said he left a door tag, but he didn't... there's no door tag.

She says the next available appointment to come back out is near the end of August (that's in a MONTH!!), at which point I explode a little bit until she finally says "since you are a valued customer, we are going to squeeze you in next Monday."  Gee, thanks.

I get transferred around again trying to fix the disconnect message until finally someone transfers me back to the main menu, which is entirely automated.  I hang up.

TIME WASTED: 4 hours.
TIME ON PHONE: 2 hours.

FRIDAY JULY 18TH

I send a long and detailed email to AT&T about the disconnect message and feel much better about it.

SATURDAY JULY 19TH

I get a voicemail from AT&T apologizing for the disconnect message and saying they will fix it immediately but they need to verify my identity, and they'll call back later.  They never called back.

MONDAY JULY 21ST

I'm at the house at 7:30am waiting for the technician.  He shows up at 8:30am, I'm excited.  He runs a bunch of tests and says I might be too far away to get DSL, he's going to go check at the main box on Glen Oaks.  He spends half the day waiting for technician #2 to show up.  Four hours later, at 12:30pm, he tells me I'm probably too far from the main box to get DSL.

Me: So what should I do?
Him: You'll have to ask around, see how your neighbors get internet access.
Me: Is AT&T the only phone company in this area?
Him: Yes.
Me: But I can't get DSL through AT&T.
Him: No.

I had to leave at this point and they were still working on the line so I had to call my wife to come over.

TIME WASTED: 5 hours.

TUESDAY JULY 22ND

I leave a note in my neighbor's mailbox asking what they do for their internet.  She calls me later and says she has DSL through AT&T.

I call AT&T.  They say I can have DSL no problem.

Me: That's not what the technician said.
AT&T: What technician?  There's no DSL order in the system.

At this point it becomes clear that AT&T U-Verse is an entirely separate AT&T product, and might be an entirely separate company.  U-Verse combines phone, internet, and television on a fiber optic cable, and you do NOT need U-Verse in order to get DSL.  So that's two days already wasted for no reason, and I'm frankly amazed that the U-Verse technician had no idea I could get DSL without U-Verse.  All they have to do is overnight me a modem and turn on the DSL service.  I'm excited again, mostly I just want to have internet access.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

WEDNESDAY JULY 23RD

I call AT&T and spend 45 minutes trying to get past their automated system to fix the disconnect message.  I go in circles, literally.  People keep transferring me back to the main menu, which is automated, and keeps asking me "tell me what you'd like to do."  I hang up.

A side note about AT&T's customer support: they have only ONE number and it is automated.  There is no option for "press 1 to do this... press 2 to do this..."  Instead, the friendly male voice says "please tell me what you'd like to do!"  It is useless.  And ridiculous to try to navigate, and the worst part is every department I talk with somehow manages to send me back to the main menu.

AT&T Automated System: Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Technical support.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services!  Is this correct?
Me: No.
AT&T Automated System: My fault.  Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Tech...ni...cal...sup...port.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you'd like to pay your bill!  Is this correct?
Me: No!
AT&T Automated System: My fault.  Please tell me what you'd like to do another way.  You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my bill!"  Or, "technical support!"
Me: Tech.....ni....cal....sup....port!
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services!  Is this correct?
Me: ...

(I'm not making up that conversation, it is verbatim.)

I've tried hitting zero endlessly, but it appears impossible to bypass this system.

TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.

THURSDAY JULY 24TH

One more attempt at changing the disconnect message on my old phone line.  This time it takes 1 hour but I get through to someone who claims they can fix it.  I've now spent at least 3 hours on the phone trying to fix a mistake on their end.  Nobody seems to be able to help with this particular issue.  I think the problem is finally solved though.

TIME ON PHONE: 1 hour.

FRIDAY JULY 25TH

I get to the house and find my modem waiting for me.  The DSL was supposed to be turned on as of yesterday, but I plug the modem in and it finds no signal.  90 minutes later, endless holding, endless yelling at people, I find that there is some conflict between U-Verse and DSL that needs to be resolved and the soonest they can fix it is next Wednesday.  I want to smash my phone.  We move in on Saturday and will be without internet for 4 days, despite all my planning and all my time wasted.  I yell at her, ask to speak to her manager, nothing works, they won't get me in any sooner.  And here I thought I was a valued customer.  She finally says she will send me a $100 gift card for my inconvenience (NOTE: I never received said gift card).  I make the lady on the phone absolutely 100% guarantee me that on Wednesday I will have internet, and she does.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

WEDNESDAY JULY 30TH

My wife and I wait around all day to get a DSL signal.  I start to have a bad feeling in my stomach.  I spend most of the day unplugging and resetting the DSL modem.  I try two different phone jacks and three different cables, no signal.  At the end of the day I call Charter Communications and they will be out the next day to install a cable modem.  They come out the next day, on time, and install internet in less than an hour.

PART 2: I NEVER LEARN

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 22ND

I've entirely moved into the new house and I have a second phone line in my office for business.  I ordered delayed call forwarding for the second line a week ago to transfer calls to my cell phone but it still hasn't been activated.  They told me it would be activated in 2-4 hours.

I want to have my own dedicated internet for my office, and this time I figure I know what I'm getting into so I decide to try again to order DSL, this time on the second phone line.  Don't ask me what I was thinking.  I call AT&T and they tell me I can use my same modem they sent me before and service will be turned on Wednesday.  Easy.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 24TH

No service.

THURSDAY SEPTEMEBER 25TH

I try to report a problem online but their system gives me an error message.  I spend 20 minutes waiting for "live chat", where the agent only tells me I need to call the same AT&T number I'm so familiar with from previously.  10 minutes later I reach an agent who, despite not speaking english, assures me he will fix my problem, and then transfers me.  I'm on hold 25 minutes this time until I reach an agent who says my service was not installed for some reason and she needs to transfer me (again!) to the provisioning department.  She warns me that they typically have "long hold times."

20 minutes later, I am disconnected.  Now what?

I spend 10 minutes trying to send them an email but the form on the website wants my email address and password just to send them an email.  They keep saying the login information is incorrect, even though it's the same login info I've used for 8 years.

OK, I'm a sucker for punishment, I'm calling back-- I really just want this done with.  30 minutes later I get to the provisioning department and they assure me that DSL would be active either "possibly later that day but definitely tomorrow."  They explain to me that, somehow, it was "activated in one system but not in the other."  Right-o.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH

I must be learning just a little bit because I never once thought I'd actually get DSL on Friday.  And I didn't.

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 29TH

Still no DSL.  Also no delayed call forwarding, after 2 weeks.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 1ST

Again, one hour on the phone, and transferred to THREE different departments.  On Thursday the lady told me if I didn't get DSL I should call back and say "status".  After 10 minutes trying to get through the automated system ("status" apparently sounds just like "service") I finally got through to an agent.  She told me I needed to talk to technical support and she would transfer me.  Instead I got back to the automated system.

Finally got through to technical support to "Victor" who asked me on three different occasions for the name on the account and finally ended up transferring me back to the provisioning department.  The provisioning department transferred me to a 4th department, and when they tried to transfer me to a 5th department I went back to the automated system.  Fuck.

I sent a nasty email to AT&T about delayed call forwarding.  Always makes me feel better.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 8TH

I've given it a week because they pretty much broke me.  At one point I thought I would just pay for DSL service that I did not have for the rest of my life, just as long as I didn't have to call the automated system again.

Hope comes in the form of a business card left by a technician who came out to the house and got my delayed call forwarding working, finally, apparently because of my nasty email.  I eagerly call Richard on his mobile number and am ecstatic to speak to a real person who apparently is actually a real person physically here in Glendale somewhere.  He patiently listens to me rant and rave for 10 minutes and assures me he will get to the bottom of it, and possibly have his supervisor call me.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

THURSDAY OCTOBER 16TH

I was so happy to talk to a real person that I waited by the phone for another week, completely convinced that something had to happen.  And it did-- I got an automated phone call that told me DSL service had been turned on at my house.  I plug the modem in and there it is... the green light that I've been waiting for all this time.  Exactly three months from the day I was supposed to originally have DSL.

Unfortunately I think the modem is broken, as it is power-cycling every 5 minutes.  I've put in a request online for a new modem.  Three days later I got the new modem, and I have internet.

EPILOGUE

I spent almost 10 hours on the phone and missed 3 complete days of work.  Just to do something that should have been as easy as receiving a modem in the mail and plugging it in.  Transferring my phone line should have been one phone call, 30 minutes max.  I sent AT&T a bill for my time, at what I thought was a reasonable rate ($400/day, $1,200 total).  I never got paid.

12-01-11 EMAILS, PART 2

 

I volunteered to get a new pet for Zoe's old classroom after their frog died. Turns out it's harder than you think... they wanted a turtle but turtles carry salmonella, you have to be really careful about washing your hands. All the frogs and toads also come with a warning: "produces toxin that may cause allergic reaction." I don't want to be the guy that winds up getting some kid sick or covered in hives. The iguanas were cute but they live for 15 years and grow to 4-6 feet. Couldn't find any newts. For a bunch of 3-year-olds, the pet store recommended scorpions, tarantulas, or hermit crabs. I went with the crabs.

 

I became rather attached to and concerned about them. The following is an email exchange between myself and the director of Zoe's preschool, we'll call him "Chris".

 

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From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:35 PM
Subject: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, I saw in the newsletter about the dead frogger. I'd like to replace said frog, possibly with a turtle, or two, or whatever I can find. I'm not sure when I'll be able to do this but if someone else volunteers or replaces froggy first, please let me know.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

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From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:38 PM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Thanks for the thoughtfulness. I will pass along your request to Teacher Elizete and Teacher Cheyenne.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

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From: Matt Koskenmaki
To : Chris
Sent: Wednesday, April 20, 2011 5:50 PM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, turns out turtles and froggies are disease-carrying beasts. The best I could do was a couple of hermit crabs. Or as I like to call it, crabby time. If, at any point, the kids would want to care for a couple of hamsters, mice, rats, or guinea pigs, I would be happy to purchase said rodents for the classroom.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

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From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 8:31 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Perfect. I will forward the message along.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

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From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 8:48 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, what do you think we should name the hermit crabs?

 

I came up with a couple of suggestions for the kids:

 

Salt & Pepper
Sonny & Cher
Frank & Beans
Bert & Ernie
Shaq & Kobe
Ben & Jerry
Mac & Cheese
Penn & Teller
Mike & Ike
Fish & Chips
Peaches & Herb

 

And of course:

 

Hall & Oates

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

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From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 9:09 AM
Subject: RE: Room 4 animal

 

I think the kids should choose, but my vote is for Phineas and Ferb.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

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From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 10:33 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, I'm sorry to report bad news. I fear blue crabby may not have survived transport from pet store to classroom. His/her condition could be described as catatonic, or possibly dead. I'm worried that blue crab may have become enamored with another crab-mate at the pet store, and, having been separated from said crab, fallen into a deep pit of despair and desolation.

 

My plan is to return to the pet store tomorrow and purchase several more crabs, hopefully one of them will snap blue crab out of his/her funky funk. It's possible that the pet store employees will be able to tell me which crabs they've observed blue crab hanging around with in the habitat.

 

I will keep you appraised.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

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From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 2:25 PM
Subject: Preschool theme of the week - Death

 

That is sad, yet funny at the same time. I feel like we need to bring a TV into the preschool room and have the children watch The Lion King to learn about the circle of life. Keep me updated.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

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From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Friday, April 22, 2011 4:25 PM
Subject: Re: Preschool theme of the week - Death

 

Chris, I held a small funeral service for blue crab in my backyard today, rest in peace. I think it's less likely the crab died from a broken heart, as I previously surmised, and more likely it died from lack of heat, humidity, and salt water, all of which are required for a proper crabby habitat and all of which the pet store neglected to mention to me in caring for hermit crabs. In fact they specifically told me all the crabs needed was a cold tank with a little sand, fresh water, and food. From now on I plan to get my crab info from a reliable source, such as the internet.

 

Anyway, room four now has a happily heated and humidified crab habitat, complete with a hopefully happy cast of hermit crabs. Did you know a group of crabs is called a 'cast'? I'm not sure that's right, I've seen them referred to as a 'cast of crabs', 'pod of crabs', 'colony of crabs', 'scuttle of crabs', and 'consortum of crabs'. Personally I like 'consortum' the best.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

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Epilogue: there were more emails after this that, again, I can't find.  I don't know what happened to the crabs (Zoe has since moved to a different school) but the last time I saw them there were five of them, alive and well.