The following is neither funny nor intended to be funny. It's just an account of an experience I had with AT&T, edited down considerably. My original notes were 14+ pages, I edited them down to something hopefully less than 14 pages.
PART 1: MOVING
MONDAY JULY 14TH
I call up AT&T to transfer my phone line from my old house to my new house and to order DSL.
Me: I'd like to order DSL.
AT&T: OK, you need to order U-Verse. With U-Verse you get TV, phone, and DSL all together.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: No problem. You can just get phone and DSL and order TV later.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: OK, you can just get phone and DSL, and you can always order TV later.
Me: Whatever, fine.
TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.
I schedule an AT&T technician to be at my house Thursday between 8am and 10am.
I call my old number, XXX-XXX-4001, only to hear the message that the number is disconnected (which is correct) and the new number is XXX-XXX-9811 (which is not correct, no idea where they came up with this number). My new number is XXX-XXX-9775. I'm hopeful that the technician can fix this on Thursday.
THURSDAY JULY 17TH
I'm at the new house at 7:30am waiting for the technician. I'm busy in the garage until 10am with the doors wide open, but no one shows up in my driveway. Because I'm in the garage I didn't notice that AT&T called at 8:30am, but when I try to check my voicemail my PIN number doesn't work so I can't hear the messages.
I give him until 11:30am then I call AT&T to see where he is, and hopefully to get them to change the number on the disconnect message, and to figure out how to check my voicemail. Unfortunately, those three things have to be done by three different departments. I get transferred around for a full hour, trying to work on all three issues, and finally someone retrieves my voicemails for me.
There's a voicemail from an AT&T technician, it says "Hi this is the technician from AT&T. I'm going to try your other line." Caller ID confirms he tried the other line but he left no message there. So I have no information, and no way to contact him.
Finally, at 1:00pm, I get through to a lady from the dispatch office who claims that the technician sat in my driveway for 30 minutes and finally left. Except that he didn't... I was there, and he wasn't. She said he left a door tag, but he didn't... there's no door tag.
She says the next available appointment to come back out is near the end of August (that's in a MONTH!!), at which point I explode a little bit until she finally says "since you are a valued customer, we are going to squeeze you in next Monday." Gee, thanks.
I get transferred around again trying to fix the disconnect message until finally someone transfers me back to the main menu, which is entirely automated. I hang up.
TIME WASTED: 4 hours.
TIME ON PHONE: 2 hours.
FRIDAY JULY 18TH
I send a long and detailed email to AT&T about the disconnect message and feel much better about it.
SATURDAY JULY 19TH
I get a voicemail from AT&T apologizing for the disconnect message and saying they will fix it immediately but they need to verify my identity, and they'll call back later. They never called back.
MONDAY JULY 21ST
I'm at the house at 7:30am waiting for the technician. He shows up at 8:30am, I'm excited. He runs a bunch of tests and says I might be too far away to get DSL, he's going to go check at the main box on Glen Oaks. He spends half the day waiting for technician #2 to show up. Four hours later, at 12:30pm, he tells me I'm probably too far from the main box to get DSL.
Me: So what should I do?
Him: You'll have to ask around, see how your neighbors get internet access.
Me: Is AT&T the only phone company in this area?
Him: Yes.
Me: But I can't get DSL through AT&T.
Him: No.
I had to leave at this point and they were still working on the line so I had to call my wife to come over.
TIME WASTED: 5 hours.
TUESDAY JULY 22ND
I leave a note in my neighbor's mailbox asking what they do for their internet. She calls me later and says she has DSL through AT&T.
I call AT&T. They say I can have DSL no problem.
Me: That's not what the technician said.
AT&T: What technician? There's no DSL order in the system.
At this point it becomes clear that AT&T U-Verse is an entirely separate AT&T product, and might be an entirely separate company. U-Verse combines phone, internet, and television on a fiber optic cable, and you do NOT need U-Verse in order to get DSL. So that's two days already wasted for no reason, and I'm frankly amazed that the U-Verse technician had no idea I could get DSL without U-Verse. All they have to do is overnight me a modem and turn on the DSL service. I'm excited again, mostly I just want to have internet access.
TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.
WEDNESDAY JULY 23RD
I call AT&T and spend 45 minutes trying to get past their automated system to fix the disconnect message. I go in circles, literally. People keep transferring me back to the main menu, which is automated, and keeps asking me "tell me what you'd like to do." I hang up.
A side note about AT&T's customer support: they have only ONE number and it is automated. There is no option for "press 1 to do this... press 2 to do this..." Instead, the friendly male voice says "please tell me what you'd like to do!" It is useless. And ridiculous to try to navigate, and the worst part is every department I talk with somehow manages to send me back to the main menu.
AT&T Automated System: Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Technical support.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services! Is this correct?
Me: No.
AT&T Automated System: My fault. Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Tech...ni...cal...sup...port.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you'd like to pay your bill! Is this correct?
Me: No!
AT&T Automated System: My fault. Please tell me what you'd like to do another way. You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my bill!" Or, "technical support!"
Me: Tech.....ni....cal....sup....port!
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services! Is this correct?
Me: ...
(I'm not making up that conversation, it is verbatim.)
I've tried hitting zero endlessly, but it appears impossible to bypass this system.
TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.
THURSDAY JULY 24TH
One more attempt at changing the disconnect message on my old phone line. This time it takes 1 hour but I get through to someone who claims they can fix it. I've now spent at least 3 hours on the phone trying to fix a mistake on their end. Nobody seems to be able to help with this particular issue. I think the problem is finally solved though.
TIME ON PHONE: 1 hour.
FRIDAY JULY 25TH
I get to the house and find my modem waiting for me. The DSL was supposed to be turned on as of yesterday, but I plug the modem in and it finds no signal. 90 minutes later, endless holding, endless yelling at people, I find that there is some conflict between U-Verse and DSL that needs to be resolved and the soonest they can fix it is next Wednesday. I want to smash my phone. We move in on Saturday and will be without internet for 4 days, despite all my planning and all my time wasted. I yell at her, ask to speak to her manager, nothing works, they won't get me in any sooner. And here I thought I was a valued customer. She finally says she will send me a $100 gift card for my inconvenience (NOTE: I never received said gift card). I make the lady on the phone absolutely 100% guarantee me that on Wednesday I will have internet, and she does.
TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.
WEDNESDAY JULY 30TH
My wife and I wait around all day to get a DSL signal. I start to have a bad feeling in my stomach. I spend most of the day unplugging and resetting the DSL modem. I try two different phone jacks and three different cables, no signal. At the end of the day I call Charter Communications and they will be out the next day to install a cable modem. They come out the next day, on time, and install internet in less than an hour.
PART 2: I NEVER LEARN
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 22ND
I've entirely moved into the new house and I have a second phone line in my office for business. I ordered delayed call forwarding for the second line a week ago to transfer calls to my cell phone but it still hasn't been activated. They told me it would be activated in 2-4 hours.
I want to have my own dedicated internet for my office, and this time I figure I know what I'm getting into so I decide to try again to order DSL, this time on the second phone line. Don't ask me what I was thinking. I call AT&T and they tell me I can use my same modem they sent me before and service will be turned on Wednesday. Easy.
TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.
WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 24TH
No service.
THURSDAY SEPTEMEBER 25TH
I try to report a problem online but their system gives me an error message. I spend 20 minutes waiting for "live chat", where the agent only tells me I need to call the same AT&T number I'm so familiar with from previously. 10 minutes later I reach an agent who, despite not speaking english, assures me he will fix my problem, and then transfers me. I'm on hold 25 minutes this time until I reach an agent who says my service was not installed for some reason and she needs to transfer me (again!) to the provisioning department. She warns me that they typically have "long hold times."
20 minutes later, I am disconnected. Now what?
I spend 10 minutes trying to send them an email but the form on the website wants my email address and password just to send them an email. They keep saying the login information is incorrect, even though it's the same login info I've used for 8 years.
OK, I'm a sucker for punishment, I'm calling back-- I really just want this done with. 30 minutes later I get to the provisioning department and they assure me that DSL would be active either "possibly later that day but definitely tomorrow." They explain to me that, somehow, it was "activated in one system but not in the other." Right-o.
TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.
FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH
I must be learning just a little bit because I never once thought I'd actually get DSL on Friday. And I didn't.
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 29TH
Still no DSL. Also no delayed call forwarding, after 2 weeks.
WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 1ST
Again, one hour on the phone, and transferred to THREE different departments. On Thursday the lady told me if I didn't get DSL I should call back and say "status". After 10 minutes trying to get through the automated system ("status" apparently sounds just like "service") I finally got through to an agent. She told me I needed to talk to technical support and she would transfer me. Instead I got back to the automated system.
Finally got through to technical support to "Victor" who asked me on three different occasions for the name on the account and finally ended up transferring me back to the provisioning department. The provisioning department transferred me to a 4th department, and when they tried to transfer me to a 5th department I went back to the automated system. Fuck.
I sent a nasty email to AT&T about delayed call forwarding. Always makes me feel better.
TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.
WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 8TH
I've given it a week because they pretty much broke me. At one point I thought I would just pay for DSL service that I did not have for the rest of my life, just as long as I didn't have to call the automated system again.
Hope comes in the form of a business card left by a technician who came out to the house and got my delayed call forwarding working, finally, apparently because of my nasty email. I eagerly call Richard on his mobile number and am ecstatic to speak to a real person who apparently is actually a real person physically here in Glendale somewhere. He patiently listens to me rant and rave for 10 minutes and assures me he will get to the bottom of it, and possibly have his supervisor call me.
TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.
THURSDAY OCTOBER 16TH
I was so happy to talk to a real person that I waited by the phone for another week, completely convinced that something had to happen. And it did-- I got an automated phone call that told me DSL service had been turned on at my house. I plug the modem in and there it is... the green light that I've been waiting for all this time. Exactly three months from the day I was supposed to originally have DSL.
Unfortunately I think the modem is broken, as it is power-cycling every 5 minutes. I've put in a request online for a new modem. Three days later I got the new modem, and I have internet.
EPILOGUE
I spent almost 10 hours on the phone and missed 3 complete days of work. Just to do something that should have been as easy as receiving a modem in the mail and plugging it in. Transferring my phone line should have been one phone call, 30 minutes max. I sent AT&T a bill for my time, at what I thought was a reasonable rate ($400/day, $1,200 total). I never got paid.
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