PROJECT: GIOS

I already posted all of these on facebook a year or so ago, but I thought I'd bring them back here with further explanation.  And also I'm currently attacking the signs again with a new strategy.

My boxing gym is plastered with signs, they are literally everywhere.  "Please train with your shirt on", "Please wash your hands", etc, I wish I could remember all of them.  The one that really set me off was by the recycling/garbage and said something like "Please put only your recycling in the recycling and please put only water bottle caps in the trash".  It didn't make any sense.  And every sign has the most random capitalization, punctuation, and misspellings.  They say things like "Tonite train With Jim.  8PM!!  Free With MEMBERSHIP"

Anyway I started putting up my own signs.  I did it very sparingly over a period of 2-3 months, slipping in just one sign every two weeks or so.  At one point most of them were all up, though eventually they started to get taken down, and by now they are all gone.  I have no idea what happened to them, no one ever asked me about them and as far as I know they still have no idea who put them up.

I found a picture of a guy on the internet and named him 'Nick'.  I love Nick.  For the grand finale I made an 'employee of the month' poster and I even had it framed and mounted on the wall.  They took it down.  My favorite is still the hamster (above).

I'm currently working on make replicas of all of the signs that management has put up, but just changing one or two words in a subtle way, and then replacing the originals with my replicas.  We'll see if anyone notices.

12-23-11 EMAILS, PART 3

Another random email found on my computer.

The Whammer is our annual golf tournament, which features a really big golf club, The Whammer (see photo above).  I went down and got fitted at the Taylormade headquarters near San Diego (The Kingdom) and I thought maybe they would sponsor me but they politely declined.

---

Dear Jamie,

The Kingdom was an amazing experience, thanks again.  Can't wait to play with my new clubs

Speaking of golf clubs, now that I'm all decked out in Taylormade gear, I thought I'd present Taylormade with the opportunity to sponsor me in The Whammer IV Invitational Tournament.  This is a very exclusive tournament that tests not only your mettle on the golf course but also your ability to hold your own at pool, poker, drinking, gambling, etc.  It is a modern day Renaissance Man golf tournament.  It is literally the Iron Man of the golf world.  The winner each year takes home The Whammer for that year, which, as you'd probably guess, is a really big golf club.

This year The Whammer is heading to La Quinta to play TPC Stadium, among others.  TPC Stadium, as you know, is a very high-profile course in the golf community, and I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for Taylormade to sponsor the potential winner of this prestigious event.  It's possible with this event that you could start to get the Taylormade brand known to golfers all around the country, possibly even the world.  I can't guarantee this event will be televised, but I do expect a good amount of cameras, spectators, and general buzz in and around the event.

My handicap is currently 14.9, but it is going down and could easily be in the 14.8 range by the start of the tournament.  Even so, I certainly will be in contention to win this tournament with my drinking prowess alone.  In fact, I'm currently in the lead on top of the leaderboard and the tournament hasn't even officially begun!

Thanks for you time,

Matt Koskenmaki

12-17-11 LISTS, PART 2

Running out of things to post on dumb blog.

A while back I decided to make a list of occupations, in the order I'd like to work in said occupation, given three criteria: 1) all jobs pay the exact same, say $75K/year; 2) all jobs are the exact same number of hours per week, say 40 hours/week; and 3) all jobs require the same amount of education, say 2-3 years of college.  So basically the question is, what job would you like to do for the rest of your life if you remove any external influences such as how much a job pays or how many hours you'd have to work or how long you'd have to study.  For example, I think a lot of us would love to be a teacher if it paid better; a farmer sounds like a pretty fun job if the pay was guaranteed and the hours were reasonable; and I know a lot of animal-lovers that likely would have been a vet if it didn't require 8+ years of education (I am not one of those).  In my hypothetical, being a doctor or a janitor pays the same.

I guess I was thinking about this because my personal idea of hell would be to be an accountant or an insurance agent-- working a desk job doing the same monotony every day for years and years... paperwork, spreadsheets, meetings, telephone calls, ugh.  But it turns out that after being a composer, there's a huge drop before I find any other occupation I'd like to do.  Yes, golfer is a close second, maybe even first on my list... followed by professional poker player and basketball superstar.  But I'm not including those, they don't really fall into the 'hourly' pay rate.  I mean if you're getting paid by the hour to golf it kind of defeats the purpose of golf.

I guess the way you read this list is to say, given a choice, I'd rather be an undertaker than a politician.  That says a lot about what I think about politics.  And yes, I'd rather be either of those than a lawyer.

After I made the list I broke them into categories because I realized there was a huge gap between certain occupations and my list naturally fell into groupings.

THE TOP PICKS:

composer/musician
chef
vintner/brewmaster
construction worker
carpenter
soldier/marine

STILL HAPPY:

farmer
fireman
writer
mechanic
teacher
scientist
architect
psychologist

COULD BE WORSE:

producer
pilot
gardener
police officer
janitor

GETTING TO THE ROUGH STUFF:

bartender
porn star/prostitute
taxi driver
mail carrier
waiter

PLEASE HELP ME:

veterinarian -- slightly better than a doctor because of cute pets
dentist -- ugh
doctor -- too gross, also couldn't deal with delivering bad news
undertaker
politician
receptionist
truck driver
actor

I'D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF:

flight attendant -- dealing with grumpy people all day, I wouldn't last an hour
priest
lawyer
accountant -- hell
insurance agent -- worse than hell

12-10-11 AT&T FAIL

The following is neither funny nor intended to be funny.  It's just an account of an experience I had with AT&T, edited down considerably.  My original notes were 14+ pages, I edited them down to something hopefully less than 14 pages.

PART 1: MOVING

MONDAY JULY 14TH

I call up AT&T to transfer my phone line from my old house to my new house and to order DSL.

Me: I'd like to order DSL.
AT&T: OK, you need to order U-Verse.  With U-Verse you get TV, phone, and DSL all together.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: No problem.  You can just get phone and DSL and order TV later.
Me: I'm not going to order TV from you guys.
AT&T: OK, you can just get phone and DSL, and you can always order TV later.
Me: Whatever, fine.

TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.

I schedule an AT&T technician to be at my house Thursday between 8am and 10am.

I call my old number, XXX-XXX-4001, only to hear the message that the number is disconnected (which is correct) and the new number is XXX-XXX-9811 (which is not correct, no idea where they came up with this number).  My new number is XXX-XXX-9775.  I'm hopeful that the technician can fix this on Thursday.

THURSDAY JULY 17TH

I'm at the new house at 7:30am waiting for the technician.  I'm busy in the garage until 10am with the doors wide open, but no one shows up in my driveway.  Because I'm in the garage I didn't notice that AT&T called at 8:30am, but when I try to check my voicemail my PIN number doesn't work so I can't hear the messages.

I give him until 11:30am then I call AT&T to see where he is, and hopefully to get them to change the number on the disconnect message, and to figure out how to check my voicemail.  Unfortunately, those three things have to be done by three different departments.  I get transferred around for a full hour, trying to work on all three issues, and finally someone retrieves my voicemails for me.

There's a voicemail from an AT&T technician, it says "Hi this is the technician from AT&T.  I'm going to try your other line."  Caller ID confirms he tried the other line but he left no message there.  So I have no information, and no way to contact him.

Finally, at 1:00pm, I get through to a lady from the dispatch office who claims that the technician sat in my driveway for 30 minutes and finally left.  Except that he didn't... I was there, and he wasn't.  She said he left a door tag, but he didn't... there's no door tag.

She says the next available appointment to come back out is near the end of August (that's in a MONTH!!), at which point I explode a little bit until she finally says "since you are a valued customer, we are going to squeeze you in next Monday."  Gee, thanks.

I get transferred around again trying to fix the disconnect message until finally someone transfers me back to the main menu, which is entirely automated.  I hang up.

TIME WASTED: 4 hours.
TIME ON PHONE: 2 hours.

FRIDAY JULY 18TH

I send a long and detailed email to AT&T about the disconnect message and feel much better about it.

SATURDAY JULY 19TH

I get a voicemail from AT&T apologizing for the disconnect message and saying they will fix it immediately but they need to verify my identity, and they'll call back later.  They never called back.

MONDAY JULY 21ST

I'm at the house at 7:30am waiting for the technician.  He shows up at 8:30am, I'm excited.  He runs a bunch of tests and says I might be too far away to get DSL, he's going to go check at the main box on Glen Oaks.  He spends half the day waiting for technician #2 to show up.  Four hours later, at 12:30pm, he tells me I'm probably too far from the main box to get DSL.

Me: So what should I do?
Him: You'll have to ask around, see how your neighbors get internet access.
Me: Is AT&T the only phone company in this area?
Him: Yes.
Me: But I can't get DSL through AT&T.
Him: No.

I had to leave at this point and they were still working on the line so I had to call my wife to come over.

TIME WASTED: 5 hours.

TUESDAY JULY 22ND

I leave a note in my neighbor's mailbox asking what they do for their internet.  She calls me later and says she has DSL through AT&T.

I call AT&T.  They say I can have DSL no problem.

Me: That's not what the technician said.
AT&T: What technician?  There's no DSL order in the system.

At this point it becomes clear that AT&T U-Verse is an entirely separate AT&T product, and might be an entirely separate company.  U-Verse combines phone, internet, and television on a fiber optic cable, and you do NOT need U-Verse in order to get DSL.  So that's two days already wasted for no reason, and I'm frankly amazed that the U-Verse technician had no idea I could get DSL without U-Verse.  All they have to do is overnight me a modem and turn on the DSL service.  I'm excited again, mostly I just want to have internet access.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

WEDNESDAY JULY 23RD

I call AT&T and spend 45 minutes trying to get past their automated system to fix the disconnect message.  I go in circles, literally.  People keep transferring me back to the main menu, which is automated, and keeps asking me "tell me what you'd like to do."  I hang up.

A side note about AT&T's customer support: they have only ONE number and it is automated.  There is no option for "press 1 to do this... press 2 to do this..."  Instead, the friendly male voice says "please tell me what you'd like to do!"  It is useless.  And ridiculous to try to navigate, and the worst part is every department I talk with somehow manages to send me back to the main menu.

AT&T Automated System: Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Technical support.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services!  Is this correct?
Me: No.
AT&T Automated System: My fault.  Please tell me what you'd like to do!
Me: Tech...ni...cal...sup...port.
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you'd like to pay your bill!  Is this correct?
Me: No!
AT&T Automated System: My fault.  Please tell me what you'd like to do another way.  You can say things like, "I'd like to pay my bill!"  Or, "technical support!"
Me: Tech.....ni....cal....sup....port!
AT&T Automated System: It sounds like, you want to order new services!  Is this correct?
Me: ...

(I'm not making up that conversation, it is verbatim.)

I've tried hitting zero endlessly, but it appears impossible to bypass this system.

TIME ON PHONE: 45 minutes.

THURSDAY JULY 24TH

One more attempt at changing the disconnect message on my old phone line.  This time it takes 1 hour but I get through to someone who claims they can fix it.  I've now spent at least 3 hours on the phone trying to fix a mistake on their end.  Nobody seems to be able to help with this particular issue.  I think the problem is finally solved though.

TIME ON PHONE: 1 hour.

FRIDAY JULY 25TH

I get to the house and find my modem waiting for me.  The DSL was supposed to be turned on as of yesterday, but I plug the modem in and it finds no signal.  90 minutes later, endless holding, endless yelling at people, I find that there is some conflict between U-Verse and DSL that needs to be resolved and the soonest they can fix it is next Wednesday.  I want to smash my phone.  We move in on Saturday and will be without internet for 4 days, despite all my planning and all my time wasted.  I yell at her, ask to speak to her manager, nothing works, they won't get me in any sooner.  And here I thought I was a valued customer.  She finally says she will send me a $100 gift card for my inconvenience (NOTE: I never received said gift card).  I make the lady on the phone absolutely 100% guarantee me that on Wednesday I will have internet, and she does.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

WEDNESDAY JULY 30TH

My wife and I wait around all day to get a DSL signal.  I start to have a bad feeling in my stomach.  I spend most of the day unplugging and resetting the DSL modem.  I try two different phone jacks and three different cables, no signal.  At the end of the day I call Charter Communications and they will be out the next day to install a cable modem.  They come out the next day, on time, and install internet in less than an hour.

PART 2: I NEVER LEARN

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 22ND

I've entirely moved into the new house and I have a second phone line in my office for business.  I ordered delayed call forwarding for the second line a week ago to transfer calls to my cell phone but it still hasn't been activated.  They told me it would be activated in 2-4 hours.

I want to have my own dedicated internet for my office, and this time I figure I know what I'm getting into so I decide to try again to order DSL, this time on the second phone line.  Don't ask me what I was thinking.  I call AT&T and they tell me I can use my same modem they sent me before and service will be turned on Wednesday.  Easy.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 24TH

No service.

THURSDAY SEPTEMEBER 25TH

I try to report a problem online but their system gives me an error message.  I spend 20 minutes waiting for "live chat", where the agent only tells me I need to call the same AT&T number I'm so familiar with from previously.  10 minutes later I reach an agent who, despite not speaking english, assures me he will fix my problem, and then transfers me.  I'm on hold 25 minutes this time until I reach an agent who says my service was not installed for some reason and she needs to transfer me (again!) to the provisioning department.  She warns me that they typically have "long hold times."

20 minutes later, I am disconnected.  Now what?

I spend 10 minutes trying to send them an email but the form on the website wants my email address and password just to send them an email.  They keep saying the login information is incorrect, even though it's the same login info I've used for 8 years.

OK, I'm a sucker for punishment, I'm calling back-- I really just want this done with.  30 minutes later I get to the provisioning department and they assure me that DSL would be active either "possibly later that day but definitely tomorrow."  They explain to me that, somehow, it was "activated in one system but not in the other."  Right-o.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH

I must be learning just a little bit because I never once thought I'd actually get DSL on Friday.  And I didn't.

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 29TH

Still no DSL.  Also no delayed call forwarding, after 2 weeks.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 1ST

Again, one hour on the phone, and transferred to THREE different departments.  On Thursday the lady told me if I didn't get DSL I should call back and say "status".  After 10 minutes trying to get through the automated system ("status" apparently sounds just like "service") I finally got through to an agent.  She told me I needed to talk to technical support and she would transfer me.  Instead I got back to the automated system.

Finally got through to technical support to "Victor" who asked me on three different occasions for the name on the account and finally ended up transferring me back to the provisioning department.  The provisioning department transferred me to a 4th department, and when they tried to transfer me to a 5th department I went back to the automated system.  Fuck.

I sent a nasty email to AT&T about delayed call forwarding.  Always makes me feel better.

TIME ON PHONE: 1.5 hours.

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 8TH

I've given it a week because they pretty much broke me.  At one point I thought I would just pay for DSL service that I did not have for the rest of my life, just as long as I didn't have to call the automated system again.

Hope comes in the form of a business card left by a technician who came out to the house and got my delayed call forwarding working, finally, apparently because of my nasty email.  I eagerly call Richard on his mobile number and am ecstatic to speak to a real person who apparently is actually a real person physically here in Glendale somewhere.  He patiently listens to me rant and rave for 10 minutes and assures me he will get to the bottom of it, and possibly have his supervisor call me.

TIME ON PHONE: 15 minutes.

THURSDAY OCTOBER 16TH

I was so happy to talk to a real person that I waited by the phone for another week, completely convinced that something had to happen.  And it did-- I got an automated phone call that told me DSL service had been turned on at my house.  I plug the modem in and there it is... the green light that I've been waiting for all this time.  Exactly three months from the day I was supposed to originally have DSL.

Unfortunately I think the modem is broken, as it is power-cycling every 5 minutes.  I've put in a request online for a new modem.  Three days later I got the new modem, and I have internet.

EPILOGUE

I spent almost 10 hours on the phone and missed 3 complete days of work.  Just to do something that should have been as easy as receiving a modem in the mail and plugging it in.  Transferring my phone line should have been one phone call, 30 minutes max.  I sent AT&T a bill for my time, at what I thought was a reasonable rate ($400/day, $1,200 total).  I never got paid.

12-01-11 EMAILS, PART 2

 

I volunteered to get a new pet for Zoe's old classroom after their frog died. Turns out it's harder than you think... they wanted a turtle but turtles carry salmonella, you have to be really careful about washing your hands. All the frogs and toads also come with a warning: "produces toxin that may cause allergic reaction." I don't want to be the guy that winds up getting some kid sick or covered in hives. The iguanas were cute but they live for 15 years and grow to 4-6 feet. Couldn't find any newts. For a bunch of 3-year-olds, the pet store recommended scorpions, tarantulas, or hermit crabs. I went with the crabs.

 

I became rather attached to and concerned about them. The following is an email exchange between myself and the director of Zoe's preschool, we'll call him "Chris".

 

---

 

From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:35 PM
Subject: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, I saw in the newsletter about the dead frogger. I'd like to replace said frog, possibly with a turtle, or two, or whatever I can find. I'm not sure when I'll be able to do this but if someone else volunteers or replaces froggy first, please let me know.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

---

 

From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:38 PM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Thanks for the thoughtfulness. I will pass along your request to Teacher Elizete and Teacher Cheyenne.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

---

 

From: Matt Koskenmaki
To : Chris
Sent: Wednesday, April 20, 2011 5:50 PM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, turns out turtles and froggies are disease-carrying beasts. The best I could do was a couple of hermit crabs. Or as I like to call it, crabby time. If, at any point, the kids would want to care for a couple of hamsters, mice, rats, or guinea pigs, I would be happy to purchase said rodents for the classroom.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

---

 

From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 8:31 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Perfect. I will forward the message along.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

---

 

From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 8:48 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, what do you think we should name the hermit crabs?

 

I came up with a couple of suggestions for the kids:

 

Salt & Pepper
Sonny & Cher
Frank & Beans
Bert & Ernie
Shaq & Kobe
Ben & Jerry
Mac & Cheese
Penn & Teller
Mike & Ike
Fish & Chips
Peaches & Herb

 

And of course:

 

Hall & Oates

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

---

 

From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 9:09 AM
Subject: RE: Room 4 animal

 

I think the kids should choose, but my vote is for Phineas and Ferb.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

---

 

From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 10:33 AM
Subject: Re: Room 4 animal

 

Chris, I'm sorry to report bad news. I fear blue crabby may not have survived transport from pet store to classroom. His/her condition could be described as catatonic, or possibly dead. I'm worried that blue crab may have become enamored with another crab-mate at the pet store, and, having been separated from said crab, fallen into a deep pit of despair and desolation.

 

My plan is to return to the pet store tomorrow and purchase several more crabs, hopefully one of them will snap blue crab out of his/her funky funk. It's possible that the pet store employees will be able to tell me which crabs they've observed blue crab hanging around with in the habitat.

 

I will keep you appraised.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

---

 

From: Chris
To: Matt Koskenmaki
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 2:25 PM
Subject: Preschool theme of the week - Death

 

That is sad, yet funny at the same time. I feel like we need to bring a TV into the preschool room and have the children watch The Lion King to learn about the circle of life. Keep me updated.

 

Chris
CDC Office Manager
Burbank Community YMCA
Child Development Center

 

---

 

From: Matt Koskenmaki
To: Chris
Sent: Friday, April 22, 2011 4:25 PM
Subject: Re: Preschool theme of the week - Death

 

Chris, I held a small funeral service for blue crab in my backyard today, rest in peace. I think it's less likely the crab died from a broken heart, as I previously surmised, and more likely it died from lack of heat, humidity, and salt water, all of which are required for a proper crabby habitat and all of which the pet store neglected to mention to me in caring for hermit crabs. In fact they specifically told me all the crabs needed was a cold tank with a little sand, fresh water, and food. From now on I plan to get my crab info from a reliable source, such as the internet.

 

Anyway, room four now has a happily heated and humidified crab habitat, complete with a hopefully happy cast of hermit crabs. Did you know a group of crabs is called a 'cast'? I'm not sure that's right, I've seen them referred to as a 'cast of crabs', 'pod of crabs', 'colony of crabs', 'scuttle of crabs', and 'consortum of crabs'. Personally I like 'consortum' the best.

 

Matt Koskenmaki

 

---

 

Epilogue: there were more emails after this that, again, I can't find.  I don't know what happened to the crabs (Zoe has since moved to a different school) but the last time I saw them there were five of them, alive and well.

LOCKER @ ANGELES NATIONAL

I've posted bits and pieces of this story on facebook but I've never really explained the whole thing in detail.

My golf club, Angeles National, has an odd locker room.  There are two kinds of members at the course, regular members, and 'IMI' members.  The 'I' in 'IMI' stands for International.  (EDIT: Wasn't easy but after much digging I've finally determined that 'IMI' stands for 'International Membership, Inc.')  I'm not sure how or why exactly, but I became an IMI member.  There are significantly fewer IMI members, and we get perks that regular members don't, such as charging privileges throughout the course, 15% discount on food & booze, and use of a locker room.  (There is no locker room for regular members.)  There's also 10-15 reciprocal golf courses I can play at in Japan, hence the 'International.'  I am the only non-Japanese IMI member that I've met, though there may be others.

The locker room is really nice, it's top-notch VIP all the way around.  They've got a huge TV, comfortable chairs, private showers with private changing rooms, and all the suncreen, lotion, aspirin, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc, that you could want.  There's a secret code on a secret door to access it.  The problem is, they won't give you an overnight locker, you have to get a day key when you arrive and turn the key in when you leave.  Except, they have given out 4-5 honorary permanent lockers to celebrities and PGA pros that play there.  Obviously, I want a locker.

When I inquired about how I would go about getting a locker, they told me it was impossible.  Though after repeated inquiries they did budge a bit and tell me that when they first built the locker room a lot of members had asked for lockers so the board arbitrarily set the price for a locker at $50K.  So far no one has taken them up on this.

I decided I would just put up my own nameplate and see how long it lasts.  Everyone at the course knows me well, but there is a bit of a separation between the regular management and the IMI management, so I figured if I put up my own nameplate, each side would assume the other side had given me a locker.  Eventually, after a few months, I would just waltz into the pro shop and tell them I lost the key to my locker and could I get a replacement key, please.  I took a picture of the nameplates and sent it to a plaque maker and he made me a similar-enough plate.  I put it in between Sam Jackson and Don Cheadle, see below:

The nameplate lasted a few months.  I thought my plan was going to work until I got an email saying they all had a good laugh over it but had to take the nameplate down.  Apparently, some idiot who also wanted a locker went to management and said, hey who's this Koskenmaki guy and how'd he get a locker??  I think otherwise it would have stayed up indefinitely.

Plan B.  While talking to the manager shortly after this, she told me, somewhat jokingly, that if I got a role in 'Iron Man 3' she would give me a locker.  The reason is, Sam Jackson and Don Cheadle were both in 'Iron Man 2' and there is a giant movie poster hanging in the hallway, presumably a donation from them, that is signed by the entire cast.

So I downloaded a poster from 'Iron Man 2' and I got my friend Bob, a photoshop whiz, to put me in the poster, front and center.  We changed the 2 to a 3 and put my name in the credits, see below:

I got the poster printed and framed, I autographed it, and I brought it to Angeles National and hung it next to the other poster in the hallway:

This one stayed up for about a week.  I finally got the email that, again, they all had a good laugh but they had to take the poster down.  This time the manager told me that she had discussed with the board, and they had lowered the price of a locker from $50K to $2,500.  I was slightly honored but mostly insulted by this.  I told her I was unwilling to pay $2,500 for what was nothing more than a couple of cubic feet of airspace and a $10 name plate, and I offered instead to donate $2,500 to any charity of their choice in exchange for a locker.

She told me that, again, the board discussed it, and they had rejected my offer.  So that is where I am at the moment.  Lockerless, not happy about it.  Plan C is forthcoming.

11-21-11 LISTS, PART 1

I love to make lists.  I don't know why, I used to blame my mother but now I blame the fact that if I don't write it down I don't remember it.  Regardless, I just like to make lists, and I tend to make a lot of random lists.  I have a lot of random and useless lists on my computer.

I came across a list I made of all of the movies that have had a profound influence on me during my lifetime. Yes, I said 'profound', as in each one completely changed the way I look at movies in some aspect.  This is not a list of my favorite movies, though many of them are. A lot of my favorite movies ('Star Wars', 'Cinema Paradiso', 'Get Shorty') are not on this list.   Also, I'm only including movies I watched at the time they were released, which leaves off my #1 & #2 all-time favorite ('Godfather 1 & 2') as well as a few other influences ('The Sting', 'Apolcalypse Now').  Why am I being so stingy with my list? I have no idea, it's just the criteria I decided on at the time that I made the list.

There are some really mundane movies on this list... not all of them can be cinematic masterpieces. A few of them are only on this list for the music, which obviously has a huge influence on my life.  Anyway, with no further explantation or justification, here it is, in chronological order:

'92 Strictly Ballroom

'92 Glengarry Glen Ross
'94 Shawshank Redemption
'94 Pulp Fiction

'95 The Usual Suspects

'97 Lost Highway

'97 Face Off

'98 The Big Lebowski

'99 Any Given Sunday

'99 The Matrix

'00 Snatch

'01 Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

'03 Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

'03 Italian Job

'04 I Heart Huckabees

'04 Napoleon Dynamite

11-18-11 EMAILS, PART 1

I find a lot of random emails on my computer.  The following is an exchange that happened over a week prior to a golfing trip we took to a resort near Palm Springs.  My friend 'Mack' and I had reserved large adjacent suites with private pools at the resort (there were 16 of us on the trip).

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Mr. Koskenmaki,

In anticipation of your upcoming arrival, I wanted to wish you safe travels on your journey out to our beautiful desert oasis. If there is anything I may assist you with in regards to your transportation, accommodation, or resort activities, please feel free to contact me with any requests or modifications. In addition, if you happen to predict an arrival time before 4pm or perhaps another guest you would like to be near, it would be very helpful for me to accommodate this kind of information ahead of time in order to make your stay more comfortable.

We look forward to welcoming you to the land of sweet-smelling citrus trees and clear blue skies.

Warm Regards,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

Is it possible for you to obtain a poker table for our suite?  Also, will my suite be located next to Mr. McDougall's suite?  Thanks!

Mr. Koskenmaki

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Hello Alyssa,

Can you put a ping pong table in the courtyard of my suite or Mr. Koskenmaki's?  Is that possible?  We look forward to seeing you soon.  Thank you so much.

Mr. McDougall

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Good morning,

I have attached Mr. McDougall to this email (he requested a ping pong table).  Ok so they have one poker table and it's a Dallas Cowboys decorated table they said that would work for you.  IF that's ok with you.  And the price would be $250 and that includes the delivery fee.  Then they have a ping pong table for $275.

Let me know if these interest either of you and I will have it set up for you.

Thank you,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

The Dallas Cowboys poker table sounds absolutely perfect.... if we were a bunch of illiterate rednecks from Texas.  As it is, I'm not sure that's going to work for us.  Can you tell them I'll pay extra if they can obtain a different table or perhaps remove or cover up any Dallas Cowboys logos?  I feel certain that on a table like that I would suffer some improbably suckout which would haunt me for the rest of my life.  Bad mojo.

Thanks!

Mr. Koskenmaki

P.S. I'll let Mr. McDougall decide about the ping pong table.  Personally it's a little too fast-paced for me.  My cat-like reflexes are more akin to a semi-senile dog that likes to sit on the couch and drink beer.

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Good morning,

I completely and totally do not blame you for not taking the Dallas Cowboy poker table.  That is completely understandable.  I called back and asked if they could possibly cover up the logos but no luck.  If you'd like to call and speak to them yourself, the number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and they rent out a lot of different games.  I'm kind of surprised they don't have another one for next weekend.  But I apologize for the inconvenience and I await Mr. McDougall's response!

Thank you,

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa!

I would have to agree with Mr. Koskenmaki about the poker table, the Cowboys would make everyone sad and that sadness might turn into outright weeping.  A Red Sox table might be ok, but they have to make the playoffs first and that is not looking very good right now.  Thank you very much for your help in obtaining the tables.  I think we should move forward with the ping pong table as I am lightning quick and a blur to the average spectator.  A plain poker table would be ideal, if possible.  And, as long as they are loading up a truck... do they have a pool table?  I know that's kind of heavy and may be a highter rental. But, you may know of an easy way to load it in...?  I may be able to help as I can lift more than most men.  I once lifted a Toyota Celica three feet off the ground in order to retrieve a frisbee.

It would also be great to have ping pong paddles and balls (even though I have my own).  I travel with a myrtlewood paddle and teflon grip that was hand-embossed and given to me by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Thank you very much for your help, we are looking forward to a great time with you in the desert.

Mr. McDougall

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Alyssa,

Mr. McDougall raises perfectly good points.  However, if I were you I might call into question his ability to life a Celica more than 8 inches off the ground.

But seriously, I'm happy to forego the ping pong table if they can just ensure that our pool is a perfect 90 degrees.  Also, could we get a waterslide into the pool?  Thanks, and looking forward to it!

Mr. Koskenmaki

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Ha ha, you two are hilarious!  So I called the company back and reserved the ping pong table for Mr. McDougall and they need a 50% deposit so I need a credit card number and information.  (It also includes the paddles and balls, probably nothing like Mr. McDougall's but they should work.)

A waterslide into the pool is unfortunately not something I can set up due to security reasons, but I totally understand your request for that, sounds like fun!

The pool table, they wanted me to let you know, is "bar-style" and is coin-operated but they can place it on free play for you.  The price would be $475.

Talk to you soon!

Alyssa

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Hi Alyssa,

Wow, I think we might prefer the pool table.  I will let Mr. Koskenmaki weigh in as he is our resident expert in table games.  We also noticed from satellite imagery that our suites are separated with a wall.  Is it possible to put two trampolines next to the wall for us to boing boing between rooms?  Or is there a gate?  Boinging is preferred.

Thank you for your help!

Mr. McDougall

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Hi Alyssa,

Let's go with the pool table and the trampolines, then, instead of the ping pong table.  Provided that neither the pool table nor the trampolines have any Dallas Cowboys logos or mojo about them.  I will email you my credit card number separately.  Please guard it with your life.  My fear is that Mr. McDougall will get a hold of it and the next thing we know our suites will be full of circus-related animals and other riff raff.

Mr. Koskenmaki

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Epilogue: there were several other emails after this but unfortunately I can't find them anywhere.  We met Alyssa and she turned out to be very nice and also cute in a not-very-tall sort of way.  We sent her flowers.

11-15-11 BEST BUY FAIL

At the urging of a pest of an uncle, who is also the only one reading this, I've decided to bring back my blog for an occasional posting. But since I've run out of anything funny to post, I've decided instead to post long and uninteresting stories from my computer files. I'll also probably only post once a week, less if you're lucky.

I found this record of an experience I had with the Burbank Best Buy. I thought it would be good to start with something especially dull to discourage any more readers.

TUESDAY 05/08/07 2:00PM :: I head to Best Buy to buy a new car stereo.  I find a very nice Sony for $200 that they will install, no charge, only takes an hour.  I ask the guy, “this will work with my factory speakers and sub?”  He says “yes, of course."

I make an appointment for 2:00 the next day, except it turns out they don’t actually have the parts they need to install it .  They tell me to go over to Al & Ed’s Autosound to buy the parts and bring them with me the next day.  I go to Al & Ed’s Autosound and pick up the parts for $40.  I guess that's why they call the installation "no charge", because you have to go buy the parts somewhere else.

TOTAL TIME: 1 HOUR / TOTAL COST: $240

WEDNESDAY 05/09/07 2:00PM ::  I show up at the rear of Best Buy with my stereo, car, and parts.  Unfortunately, no one is there and the door is locked.

A note about the layout: the auto garage is in the back rear corner of the store.  It is enclosed by windows so that from inside the store you can see the mechanics and wave at them, but the door that connects the garage to the interior of the store is kept locked at all times and none of the employees or mechanics have keys to it.  If the store employees need to talk to the mechanics—or vice versa—they have to call each other on the phone.  They can stand a foot apart, separated by glass, talking on the phone.  Allegedly there is a manager somewhere in the store that has keys to that door.

I leave my car at the back of the store and walk around to the front of the store so I can walk back to the back of the store (this is a long long walk).  I find an employee and we wait for the mechanic and then we all stand around and wait for the alleged manager to let us through the door.  I leave the mechanic my keys and my number and go kill an hour.

Surprisingly, my car is ready at 3:30, an hour after I dropped off the keys.

The first thing I notice is that the stereo is installed crooked, at an angle.  Seems an odd way to install a stereo.  My old factory stereo was a two-space unit and the new stereo is a one-space unit, hence the dash adapter kit that I picked up at Al & Ed’s.  Not only did they install it at an angle but they’ve broken the dash adapter.  I find a couple of pieces broken off on the floor, and it is only secured at two corners, leaving the other two corners unsecured and wobbly.  It looks terrible.

The next thing I notice is that there is no bass, and I mean none.  I have very small speakers in my jeep and without the sub they are worthless.  It’s not like they just don’t have a good rumble, it’s that the entire bottom half of the audio is missing—the subwoofer is not connected at all.

I have a meeting to go to so I have to leave it as is, for now.

TOTAL TIME: 3 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $240

THURSDAY 05/10/07 10:00AM :: I’m there when the store opens at 10am.  I figure what the hell I can fix the dash adapter myself I just want to get the sub working.  I ask them how they can call this stereo installed when there is no bass?  They say come back tomorrow at 10am and they’ll fix it for me.  I make another appointment, yay.

I go home and pull the stereo out.  Now I can clearly see where they broke the dash adapter and didn’t bother to tell me about it.  I can also see that the subwoofer output of the stereo is not connected to anything.  I'm pretty sure my factory sub is not going to work with this stereo.

TOTAL TIME: 4 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $240

FRIDAY 05/11/07 10:00AM :: I’m at the back of the store with my jeep at 10am for my appointment, again there is no one there and again the door is locked.  Again I walk around to the front of the store so I can walk back to the back of the store (again, this is a loooong walk).  My wife arrives to pick me up at the back of the store.  I can see her through the windows but I am on the wrong side of the locked door that the alleged manager can allegedly unlock.

The mechanics tell me I will need to replace the sub, which I already figured out, and they refer me to the salesman.  The salesman somehow gets the idea that because I was the first person in the store this morning I must have all day to wait around and twice says to me “hold on let me just take care of this person first.”  I am left standing for a total of 30 minutes, I timed it.  My wife is still waiting for me outside.

Finally I am allowed to buy a very nice sub for $300.  The salesman throws in some installation wire he claims I need for $65 and charges me $70 to install it.  I point out that he claimed my new stereo would work with my old sub but he doesn’t remember that.

Now I have my sub, my stereo, the apparently necessary wire, and all I need to do is drop it all off with the mechanics and give them my keys.  On the other side of the locked door.  The salesman pages the alleged manager three times, and twice disappears himself for a while.  I’m hoping he is trying to track down the manager.  I wait by the door for a total of 25 minutes, I timed it.  My wife has gone to Lowe’s to look at flowers.

TOTAL TIME: 5.75 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $675

FRIDAY 05/11/07 3:00PM :: My car is ready.  Naively I go to the back of the store for the third time but this time it’s open.  They give me my keys, point me towards my car, and we say goodbye.  They don’t mention the fact that my car is dead.

I come back in and tell them my car is dead.  They say, oh yeah we had to jump it a couple times, it kept dying.  I said well what did you do to it?  At that point they decided to tell me that when I dropped my car off at 10am that morning it was dead.  It is a crazy coincidence that my jeep, which has less than 20K miles on it, which has never had the slightest problem starting, which started just fine that morning, decided to die exactly when I pulled up to the Best Buy garage.

Some yelling ensues, bottom line is I pop the clutch and make it over to a local gas station.  The mechanic takes a look, tells me my battery is dead, sells me a new battery for $85 and charges me $10 to install it.  As soon as he puts the new battery in the car is just fine.

Back to the installation.  The stereo is still crooked and unstable but I’m not too concerned because I figured if I had given them a new dash adapter they would have broken it again.  What I can’t figure out is for what possible reason they would install a $300 sub in the back of a jeep.  When they told me they were replacing the sub, I assumed that they were actually replacing the sub, which sits between the front seats under the console.  They didn't replace the sub, they added a sub, which is what I would call it when you throw a sub in the back of a jeep without actually attaching it to anything and without bothering to take out the factory sub.  I don't know what you'd call it, but certainly not installation.

A note about my jeep: it has no roof.  It’s not that the roof is folded down or put away, it’s that there is actually no roof.  So to "install" a $300 sub in the back of a jeep where A) someone could easily just pick it up and walk away with it (it’s not secured to anything) and B) any rain would ruin it, shows a definite lack of common sense.  At the very least I would have expected a phone call to discuss possible mounting options.

I hate letting Best Buy off the hook, but by coincidence I had ordered a lockable cargo trunk for my jeep a while back and when I got back to my house Fed Ex had just dropped it off on my front porch.  I installed the cargo trunk and put the sub inside.  It makes the sub a bit boomy, but I am at least satisfied that the sub is safe and waterproof.  Not sure what else to do with it.

TOTAL TIME: 7+ HOURS / TOTAL COST: $770

SATURDAY 05/12/07 2:00PM :: I go back to Al & Ed’s Autosound and buy a new dash adapter for $20.  I come home and reinstall my stereo level and secure in about 30 minutes.

TOTAL TIME: 8 HOURS / TOTAL COST: $790

Epilogue: I ended up selling that jeep about a year later.  I rode my motorcycle for about 6 months and then ended up buying a brand new jeep, which is identical to my old jeep, except it has four doors instead of two and a kick-ass stereo system.